all the things she does make it seems like love and its just a game .
and i like the way that we play!
this is where you and i meet.
siti khadijah is full of laughs and smiles. :DD
her life is now officially online and officially only YOU cn read it.
this is where we draw the line of you and me , together . :DDD

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so well ,
today i finally decide to blog . since i have way too many time on my hands . its friday . and its the third week of school in term one . and the workloads of the first three weeks is triple than what i expected . and its pretty obvious since this year is my N level and O level year.

so its all on studying studying studying . crap crap crap . but i dont fucking care . gotta keep working to get into sec 5 next year . hahaha. i wonder if i could do it . i can , i can , i can !

im joining gym session at a hospital ... it help me maintain my weight . although i am still slightly overweight , im still keeping the weight the same . its no use losing if im just going to think mentally about my weight and not about other things that is important to life . im am still beautiful not matter what .

i found a few guys in my love life . one is msging me now . he is a nerd but he is good looking . very hard to get a guy like that . for me of course . one is a mat , who says he loves me too soon and stuff which creeps me out at the same time .

life in school is getting better , i see it now . although i still have conflicts with my friends , im making use of smiling and chatting more frequently with my other classmates . its better than anything .

trouble at home is getting worse by the way . i cant tell you that here or anywhere unless you knew what is going on .

well , till here then .
will try to find the time to blog .
muax2 !

woke up this morning with nothing much on my mind . i woke up with slaps on my face from my mum because of my little sister's phone . not because of that lame reason . its the fact that i was making both of them late for school . i mean my mum and sis . and my mum is a teacher , fyi
so whatever , my little sister is very blur or some sort . she cant find certain things in front of her which i think there must be something wrong with her fresking eyes or eyesight . well , either one . i tried to cried myself back to sleep but resulted in failure . so i woke up , dragged my sleepy body into the toilet and stayed there for a few minutes . then i decide that i might as well log onto this computer which is slow and laggy . and it totally annoys me, but hey . what am i to do this morning if i cant freaking sleep .

blah blah blah . tried a few quizzes on facebook . then fell asleep . then woke to some droplets on my face. my cat vommited on me . EWWW!!!! freaky cat . old grandmother .... hate that cat loads. shes gone nuts . whatever it is , i had to bathe and force myself to move into the bathroom and had a nice cold bathe . AHHH!!! i changed and then hog on to the computer again , before my middle sister came out , ( which was quite shocking to see her up so early ) , and begged me to use the messenger so she can chat with whatever boys she got them hooked upon her pinky . EWWW!!!! so typical heartbreaker and no soul at all for others .... i let her chat to her thousand and one boyfriends and i fell asleep again

preferbably , i fell alseep almost three times in a row today .
i hope i have enough sleep today too .
gosh , i feel sleepy . argh! need to take some freaking insulin ...

till here then peeps .
YAWN!!!

i felt a little satisfied yesterday . i almost did something which i never will do ever again for the past 7 months . i almost did confess my feelings to a guy whom i feel is very honest and humble and also very happy and lively . he is also quite positive which i totally was attracted to . personally , i like him . a lot . i dont know . im very confused .

well ,whatever it is . that was just one part of life that makes me happy . there are still things to accomplish and moreover , i have loads of work and decisions to do to achieve those aims in order to succeed . i finally let my heart open to others which i thought i woulg never will until im old enough to . but yet , who say that having relationships now is a bad things, right ?

from my own personal experience , my cousins encourage me to explore what is love now . not really into more of 'love' but just have a feeling and have an expreience about it so that in future , when i get to that age , i just know what to do to get the 'perfect' relationship .

but for now, im have yet to get the perfect answer whether he will accept me for me .
and now ,
all i need to do is just to wait and see.

(and a little of luck , that is . XDDD )

till here ,

for the past one month or so , things have change for the better . living with diabetes , personally , i tot i wouldn't spend most of my time doing stuff that other teens are doing . i was told not to binge or eat more than what im restricted to . my parents been my greatest support , but i see the lack of support wasting on me . my friends are slowly drifting away . i felt a lot more negative than positive . i didnt know what to do than to hide myself in the room . binging myself with food . not wanting to accept myself in this small and wonderful world . everything fell onto me . my condition worsened . everyone is losing hope on me . i feel demoralised .

then i realised something on one of the nights i was lying on the floor to sleep . what have i been doing ? im actually killing myself . a form of suicide to myself. which brings me to the next thought . death . i felt scared thinking about it . just imaging me in the grave and all , its scary . then i see . i doing stuff that are actually killing me . so , i decide myself . so for the past few weeks , ive been trying to improve. i lost weight , i've been taking my jabs and so on and forth .

i hope i can continue this smoothly. because i cant let myself feel down anymore right ?

today . i will rate it 65% . in school , i was a little sick . but made it through . this morning i was sleepy and suffering from a mild migrain , but thats alright . im fine now . nothing much though . still im looking to experience another migrain tomorrow. during recess break , i ate as quickly as possible to avoid stares from certain people .

i didn't want to let myself to be a topic where i don't want to hear what people think about me as though im not there at all . i bought green tea , to soothe my throat and myself from the scorching heat and went up to my current form classroom at level two . now that we are studying in two different groups , both our classes is at the same level and just right next to each others' . thank goodness , it was the language room area , where seldom people walk past and a shady shawdow shade the benches at the balcony outside the classrooms . i manage to sat there , with a library book and my bag which i packed to prepare for physics lesson which is supposed to be on the third level ,

so eventually, i so-called emo there and emerse myself into the books of Harry Potter itself before the bell rang . so physics , what i thought first was , oh gosh ! another boring , experimental lessons conducted by some teacher . so my classmates and i waited outside the lab like hooligans until , blessed that person , who annouced that the teacher was on MC today , phew ! i was relieved and we made our way back to our current classroom .

blah blah blah! we had fun . eventually , i talked to the guys more and we get to know each other better by playing some games . i also knew some of the chinese girls too!!! hahah ! i was relieved when i finally got to know them better and we played primary school games . hahahaha!!!!

we had to enjoy before our history lesson which typically was boredom !!!! gosh , we had to think so hard on pamov and watever format for SBQ !!! tough but i made it through . so ... from just now till now , i've been on9 . enjoying the technology i have at home before my parents come back . sighs . parents . i can never escape from their eyes , could i ?

i have been in and out of the internet nowadays . parents have been at home really early lately , room door locked by mum and so on and so forth . i am looking forward to dragon boating this weekend . on the 21st and 22nd of November is already dragonboating competition . what am i to say ? i have been skipping training now and then with school exams which finally is over and so forth .

results came out and it was trash . i thought that i would not be promoted to sec 4na but i am . alhamdulilah!!!gosh . i failed like 3 subjects and that includes maths , which i founded out is the most important subject of all in order to promote to sec5 in 2011 . i have to study now rather than wasting the precious time Allah have given me to pursue my dreams and make up for all my sins i've done in this world .

yes , all of the sudde , i have turn into somewhat religious or whatever . but i have been praying for Allah's help since the begining of this month , i think . poor memory . must have malfunctions in the brain . haha !!! anws . nothing much going on except that things are starting to clear up in school . although i dont talk to certain people that much because im not comfortable with them , new people whom i have not talk with this past 3 years of secondary school life have finally broken their shell and expose , bit by bit to me . im blessed that my prayers are slowly coming true . alhamdulilah again!!!!

despite all that , studies must be the first priority in mind and then comes to taking care of myself and my surrounding family and friends . what more support u might need in times of help but yes , it is important . trust is slowly buliding up and i must not let that trust bond among my friends and family break . as long as we all know , trust is bulid up through years but however broken in a second . that hows life is . in reality , there will always be someone charged for wrongdoings in court that might have killed one or a thousand at sight . nothing is good in life now . what we wants , is decided with our own doings , decisions , feelings and attitude . nothing in life have an easy price to pay right . as for me , im still getting us to the fact htat the shells are breaking and i am studying more harder now , now that im going to sacrifice my own holidays to studying . of course i;ll be going on holidays and stuff but its good enough right ?

so here i am , making decisions for my own good and my own future . i have no other option that to go to polytechnic . i couldnt possibly persuade my mum into having me in ITE . i dont find ITE bad , but its a good place to study and hang out . in other words . studying is a first priority and also . I NEED A TUTOR WHO IS WILLING TO TUTOR ME !!!!

haha .
till here then .
wish me luck all the way .

i woke up this morning feeling a little relieved . for the first time of my life . i feel like i can breathe again . moreover , i keep thinking of him . im not sure who exactly but i have to be one of them right ? my whole house were free of my sisters . its the 2nd and last day of e-learning . tomorrow i'm back to school for history and malay paper 2 .

its hurts sometimes . things that i type down and post on this blog . sometimes it doesnt make sense at all . so why then ? the question is still floating somewhere in my head , unanswered & unknown . gah .

till here
muacks .
love ya people