okok. im like so freaking bored. im like damn and feeling shity.
like wth?
guess wat..
he said he couldnt come tommorow because he is busy.
he should have at least say it earlier right?
now all the excitement flowing in my blood have died. just died.
a few hours ago.
damn.damn.damn.
ok.im like asking myself whether he really like me or he is just cheating.
i feel so digusted with myself.
okok. i must like chill right.
chill.chill.chill.
i couldnt let this feeling distract me from reality.
i know im strong. im strong and i can forget this feeling of madness and dissapoinment.
la.la.la.la.la
ok. im chilling. still having a bit of the madness in me.
love Demi's new song.Get Back.
now im thinking about the stuff i going to do this weekend.
sat is madrasah/religious school exams. sun morning is my dad's arrival.
yes. he bought us something and i hope its skinnies.
letting go by listening to rock songs.
im force to clean my cupboard's and book shelf.
lazy.
dont wanna do.
too many things inside.
heh.
bluek!
housework sucks. A LOT.
i hate it when my mum always forcing us into doing things like cleaning up some shity stuff.
can't wait for madrasah.
wat should i do tommorow?
hmm.hmm.hmm.
i guess chill out like today?
but wait im like not chilling out like outside. like making mess in the house.
because i hate being stuck like a bird in a cage.
i can't go to the movies with my primary school friends.
like fuck.
damn. i want to go somewhere.
somewhere out of this boring house and grow fat.
im not fat though.
hehe.
this house is killing my brain cells in my right brain.
fun and excitement is down to zero.
going out with my mum is zero.
it suck.
going out with secondary school friends. err. 5?
im bored of hearing my mum babbles.
wish i could lock myself and rock myself into my own world.
reality sucks.
holidays sucks,
mum give double the chores. triple the nags.
my youngest sister is leaving a trail of rubbish wherever she goes.
and the blame?
IS ALWAYS ON ME.
darn. hate this house.
this house doesnt feel safe.
it feels like prison.
im not getting money. which is kinda sad,
my friends get money eventhough they are on holidays.
and guess wat. from the parents.
my mum. oh no. she thinks its saving.
my cupboard is so boring.
so little clothes.
clothes that make me look big.
most of it is kinda baggy.
raudhaa.
she buys her own clothes. her clothes are like awesome.
mine.
i feel like an old woman.
i dun like the clothes that my mum pass down to me.
it doesnt suit me.
i look like a mother.
not a 14 year old girl.
ouh. come on. my mum have to be kidding when she say she have fashion sense.
ouh. look at the trend now laa.
it cooler than the clothes i have in my cupboard.
raudhaa's clothes are all the clothes my mum bought from bangkok that i pick and pass down because my mum thinks i cant fit them anymore.
all the fictional comments.
she wants everything to be perfect.
she brags about her teenage life.
on how she is the best and not making friends with budak melayu.
she sound so racist.
if she love the other races. why did she even married a malay man.
i wouldnt be born.
im sure to her, chinese is better than malays.
i know that myself but you dont have to be so detail and think negative on the malays.
there's also malay scholars and sucessful people.
fed up with living with my mum.
she buys stuff for my sisters.
fine.
then if she ask me to find my own money.
why cant i work?
why cant i do something to make money.
why does she allow raudhaa to create shoes and get money in the end.
argh! i hate her.
all the negative things about me she just inject it into my mind.
MY MIND.
not much to raudhaa and the youngest.
just mine. and my dad.
we just keep quiet while the madness bulid inside us.
i think very soon im going to shout and scream at her to tell her to shut up for a day.
or go missing and run myself to another country.
boredom is killing me. the housework is calling me.
gtg. hope you enjoy this stupid suffering that i had inside my head for so long....
luqman(!)
ili(!)
irah(!)
raudhaa(!)
lyana(!)
Adriana(!)